Your Shitty Luck

Hello Dear,

I know you set your time machine for 1850 in hopes of channeling one of your not-so-ancient relatives somewhere in the pastoral yet not-so-idyllic Russian countryside.

So sorry to disappoint.

As you know, these things are never very precise. Time travel is pretty overrated IMHO. Warping the time-space continuum is messy business. Plus false nostalgia and blind romanticism always make past lives more simplistic. Easier than they were. Harder than they were. Other.

Anyway, I'll just say it. You overshot by about 300 years. It's not 1850 but 1550. Not the Russian countryside, but Florence. And yes, you got me, your great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-grandmother, Isabella de' Medici.

Isabella Medici with

Yes I was a Princess.

Yes we were rich. Powerful. Well-educated. Yadda, yadda. What of it? I was also a woman. It's a shitty deal.

In another 419 years Yoko Ono is going to say, Woman is the Nigger of the World. She will be right. And please believe me, as you go back in time it only gets worse. If there's anything to not be nostalgic about, it's women's rights.

Can I just live in your time? I know you've got plenty of complaints about all sorts of things. I know you aren't a princess. Believe me: a poor person in the 21st century has so much more than a Princess in the 16th. What stupid people and chauvinistic values can't get past, technology often does. Also, I hear that murdering your wife is illegal in your century. That's really a big plus in my book.

Then again, in your time Carl Andre will throw Ana Mendieta out a window and get away with it. So perhaps nothing changes.

Still, at least Mendieta's own brother didn't arrange for her husband to murder her. So I still had it worse. You might think things in your time are bad, but don't fuck with a Medici Princess over bragging rights, you'll never win.

I know you probably were hoping for an easier, more accessible ancestor. I'm really sorry honey. What did you think would happen when you dug up a 450 year-old corpse?

Well, uh, thanks for resurrecting me. Or summoning me. Or whatever it is that you did. I know you want to talk about the past, but honestly, I'd just rather live in your century if that's ok.

When can we go to Disneyland?